New Beginnings & Cycles

Although it is now September, I find myself here starting a blog and thus much more in a springtime state of mind. Life really is very seasonal when you think about it and I'm not just referring to the changes in the weather. 

There are also seasons of life (child, teenager, young adult, middle aged, etc.) and even seasons in relationships. Any relationship, whether a family tie, a business connection, or the mentoring relationship between an adult and a child as in Kids 'n Kinship, has seasons and a cycle. There are times when things are going great and maintaining the relationship, or even building it, is easy. There are other times where things get tough. 

When such obstacles occur either within or outside of the relationship, it can be difficult to persevere and continue with the relationship and it can be especially challenging to help the relationship grow and develop.

Here is a useful fact sheet from the Mentoring Resource Center which details one understanding of the cycle mentoring relationships typically go through. Of course, each relationship like each individual is unique, but I've found it helpful to consider this framework of the life cycle of mentoring relationship as going through these 4 stages: beginning, building, testing and transitioning to closure. Additionally, I've found that increasingly I see patterns like this in the matches I have supervised over the years. 

In the beginning of a new relationship (or any endeavor for that matter), there's awkwardness and fear of the unknown. At first, steps may be halting and uncertain, with moments of pure inspiration and connection and other moments of misstep. Isn't this first phase like spring? It can be relatively warm or relatively cool and there's hints of what's to come. 

But then, as you continue, you gain confidence and trust and you start to build a feeling of being in sync with this new relationship. Continuing the weather metaphor, I call this phase summer. Relationships are fun and time flies during this season of a relationship.

It's easy then to assume you have the other person completely figured out. However, there may be some surprises as you both readjust, as you test the strength of your relationship. Called the testing phase, I think this time resembles autumn. As people look ahead to winter, they often re-prioritize and reconsider what's important. This can also be a time of deepening connection. Support from others, clear but kind boundaries, problem-solving, and communication are key to succesfully navigating this potentially confusing time.

Last of course is the season winter and the close of a relationship. As little as we like to think of it, nothing lasts forever. It is the nature of living things to eventually die and that, if nothing else, brings an end to all relationships. To a certain extent, there are good endings and there are bad ones. Good endings have a sense of closure, a chance to reflect on what was, to at least neutrally accept the end, and possibly to mourn a loss. Bad endings are abrupt and/or hurtful and lack the acceptance and closure of good endings. In mentoring programs, our goal is a longterm relationship as research has shown that there are greater benefits for youth.

Ultimately, we would love for all of our mentor matches to be life-long friendships between a mentor and a child. That said, like in life, many relationships come to a close much earlier for a variety of reasons and the timing of a closure doesn't necessarily dictate the nature of it. An ending with closure and acceptance is always our goal, whenever it comes.

And when that door closes, always there are opportunities elsewhere: roads untravelled, other relationships to form or strengthen, and adventures to go on.  So I come full circle to the topic of my new project, this blog. I am excited about my new endeavor and hope you'll join me in my musings about youth mentoring and the nature of relationships!