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Movie Reviews: 'Hansel and Gretel' Attempts Horror, Action, Comedy—Fails at All Three

Find movie reviews and showtimes for theaters in Burnsville, Apple Valley and Rosemount.

Editor's Note: All reviews and information aggregated from Moviefone and RottenTomatoes.

Want to catch a movie this weekend? Here is Patch's roundup of movies playing at the three theaters in the south metro: Burnsville's Paragon Odyssey 15, Marcus Rosemount Cinema, Apple Valley’s Carmike Cinema and Great Clips IMAX Theatre at the Minnesota Zoo.

New this weekend:


Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters
One sentence plot: After getting a taste for blood as children, Hansel (Renner) and Gretel (Arterton) have become the ultimate vigilantes, hell bent on retribution.
Moviefone viewer score: 91
Reviews:
"High-concept pitch or no, the movie doesn’t really work. They were shooting for sort of a witch-hunting 'Zombieland,' an F-bomb-riddled 'Van Helsing' packed with comical anachronisms — a Bavarian forest past with witch trials, pump shotguns and primitive Tasers, where bottles of milk have woodcut pictures of 'missing children' on the labels." Pioneer Press. Full review

"In the 3D Witch Hunters, the kids were taken into the woods and left on their own by their father. They stumble into a candy-covered witch house, are taken prisoner and when they figure a way out of their fix - working as a team - they've found their calling. They'll track, shoot, stab, behead and burn witches. Whatever it takes." The Age. Full review

"Even though their skillsets are essentially limited to finding and killing witches, Hansel and Gretel decide to rescue the children themselves. Really, the film should have been called Hansel and Gretel: Occasional Child Recoverers, but that doesn't scan so well. So, who could have abducted the children? A witch?" The Guardian. Full review

Parker
One sentence plot: Parker (Jason Statham) is a professional thief who lives by a personal code of ethics: Don't steal from people who can't afford it and don't hurt people who don't deserve it.
Moviefone viewer score: 85
Reviews:
"How does Hackford fall so far off the rails with the pedestrian crime thriller Parker, based on the 19th book in the Parker series by the late Donald E. Westlake (no slouch himself, with scripting credits on The Grifters and The Stepfather)? For starters, Westlake didn’t pen this script, and the John J. McLaughlin screenplay is a mess, both highly ludicrous and predictable. McLaughlin – yeah, the same dude who wrote Black Swan and the recent Hitchcock — really treads in the shallow end of the gene pool here." Montreal Gazzette. Full review

"'Parker' plays like the bloodiest promotional video ever made for Palm Beach tourism. Stabbings, explosions and furniture-smashing brawls occur at some of the ritziest (and name-checked) locations within the sun-splashed, pastel-soaked slab of Florida opulence. Kinda gives a whole new meaning to the idea of The Breakers." Star Tribune. Full review

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